Dawn’s story highlights the importance of listening to victim-survivors to stop abusers at the earliest opportunity, not least to prevent their serial abuse of multiple partners. It shows how isolating domestic abuse is for those subjected to it, and how discouraging, and even dangerous, an unsupportive work environment can be. But it is also a story of resilience in the face of significant challenges, and how victim-survivors can use their experience to help others.
Dawn was a police officer, as was her partner whom she met through work. After having a long-distance relationship for a few years, they decided that Dawn would move in with him. They later got married, and that’s when the abuse started.
“I thought because I was a policewoman, I should have been stronger and not tolerated his behaviour. I helped members of the public who were experiencing domestic abuse, but I made excuses for my own husband’s behaviour”.
Dawn’s then husband subjected her to physical, financial, and psychological abuse. The abuse escalated over 18 months, from around once a week to nearly every day. He was a firearms officer and made threats to kill her. At this point, Dawn realised that his threats were credible, and she left him. She was homeless for three weeks, sleeping in her car and showering at work. All her finances were in her husband’s control.
“I didn’t tell my employer as they employed him too, and I knew they wouldn’t have believed me. My husband was more senior and “one of the boys”, Dawn recalls.
When she told her his manager that it wasn’t safe for him to be carrying firearms, they removed his access to weapons for only two weeks before restoring it.
“I thought I would be safe when I left, but that was in fact the most dangerous time for me. He found out where I lived and hid in my garden with a carving knife. He would say that he loved me and wanted me back one moment, then try to break into my house the next. He made threats to me in my workplace too. I did not think the police would support me, so I never called them.”
Both Dawn and her ex-husband eventually met other partners, but he continued to abuse Dawn. He threatened to kill the pets they had co-owned and still tried to exercise emotional control over Dawn.
The turning point
The turning point for Dawn happened when her ex-husband physically abused his new partner, who reported him to the police. Dawn still worked for the police, and they approached her to ask whether her ex-husband had ever been abusive towards her. Until that point, Dawn’s sense of shame about what had happened to her was so strong that she hadn’t told her family or new partner about the abuse. But knowing that her abuser was now hurting other people encouraged her to provide a statement about his behaviour to her. He was eventually sent to prison for abusing his new partner.
Life after abuse
When the news about the case against her ex-husband broke, Dawn’s employer did not support her. On the contrary, she was ostracised socially at work, and her employer failed to apply for her anonymity to be granted throughout the court proceedings – meaning that the details of the case were recounted in the press. She describes the environment as misogynistic and, to this day, she feels as if no one believed her, even after the criminal conviction was secured. She left the police shortly after.
Dawn now has children and works with safeguarding at large events. Her personal experiences of domestic abuse have given her a deeper understanding of the insidious ways in which perpetrators exercise control over their victims, as well as the many unaddressed issues survivors carry from adversarial life experiences. She emphasises that, while we must never condone violence and abuse, there is also a need for behavioural change programmes that address the underlying drivers of abusive behaviours in perpetrators.
Dawn’s advice for employers
Dawn attributes the negative response from her employer to both a lack of awareness of domestic abuse, and a strong unwillingness to confront something that was happening in their workforce.
“There were so many signs that I was struggling. I lost lots of weight, I worked overtime constantly, I showered and ate at work. I wore the same clothes quite a lot because I couldn’t get access to clean ones, I lacked so many basic necessities. No one ever asked me if I was okay.”
Dawn urges all employers to face up to difficult truths, even when the alleged abuser is someone they’ve known for a long time and trust professionally. Perpetrators behave very differently at home and in public – while an employer may never personally witness abusive behaviour, that doesn’t mean it’s not happening behind closed doors. While it may be difficult to hear allegations against a colleague, it is incredibly important to take victim-survivors seriously and be informed by them in the workplace response.
Dawn wishes she had known about the support available to people experiencing domestic abuse. She stresses that employers are in a unique position to help victim-survivors, as they can provide flexibility, a safe space, and other vital forms of practical support, including providing information about the expert support that is available. Her safeguarding work now enables her to help others and address perpetrators’ abusive behaviour, and she hasn’t heard from her ex-husband in many years.
“I have moved on, but my experience of abuse still plays a part in my life. It made me very vulnerable and untrusting of people for many years. I was reluctant to commit to another relationship after what happened. Your life continues, but the scars are still there.”